CHANGING PARENT’S BEHAVIOR ON THE SIDELINE

Dr. Keith Wilson
www.TheWinningMind.com

Almost every day a story about parents acting out at youth sports events appears in the media. Soccer is not immune from the problem as there are plenty of negative soccer parent accounts in the media. Yet parents often feel they do not know why their attitudes and behaviors change when they go their child’s soccer game. They find themselves saying things and doing things they would not do at their home or office. All of the youth soccer entities are looking at this problem trying to figure positive interventions that will eliminate or severely curtail the problem.

The El Paso Experience

In Texas, the El Paso Parks and Recreation Department, in conjunction with Dr. Keith Wilson has implemented a training model based upon mental performance skills taught to athletes. The training program began in the fall of 2000 and by the end of 2001 over 15,000 parents will have completed the program. The training is mandatory for any parent whose child participates in city-sponsored sports or plays on city owned fields. This requirement of the El Paso city government has mandated the El Paso soccer community to be part of the training program.

The El Paso model is not based on the belief that the parents are the problem. This model promotes parents as the solution. Parents can do more to change the sideline environment than any other single entity. As performance skills are taught to parents, they are more likely to be able to create and maintain a healthy and positive sideline environment for their children.

Punitive Models

Unfortunately, most soccer leagues choose punitive styles of parent intervention because they appear easier to implement. Two of the most popular interventions are: 1) Silent Saturday for Soccer or 2) Lollipop Day. Each of these interventions is based upon the premise that the parent problem is only that are parents talking negatively. Consequently the league designs an intervention that will shut parents up.

This may accomplish the goal in the short-term, i.e. one game, but it does not build a sense of cooperation with the parents. Instead it builds resentment since the parent believes they are being treated like a naughty child. The parent may be more likely to act out even more dramatically when the silent day is not in effect because of the pent-up resentment.

Parents Can Feel Helpless

Even those parents who are concerned about the negative environment of the sidelines often do not feel empowered to stop other parents when they start to act out. They do not feel it is their right to stop other parents from contaminating the sideline environment.

When parents have completed the mandatory 3-hour training course they feel they are a positive contagion on the sideline. They understand their behavior can positively affect the performance of their team. They can also create a healthy environment of trust and cooperation among parents themselves as well as between parents, coaches and officials.

The Performance Skill Model

The 3-hour mandatory training is divided into 5 important parts. Each of them is designed to enhance the ability of the parent to enjoy the game and improve the environment for their child. The components include:

1. Defining and describing the problem
2. Performance Parenting
3. Communication skills
4. Rules
5. Commitment to positive future behavior

Performance Parenting

The goal of this section as taught by Dr. Wilson, is to help the parent learn performance skills so they can move into the Parents Performance Platform. The Parents Performance Platform is the term used to describe when parents are in “The Zone” to watch their child play competitive sports.

As a performance consultant to teams and individual athletes, Dr. Wilson’s task is to help that player or team understand what it feels like to be in “the zone.” When in “the zone” the player feels like the play has slowed down, they can anticipate what will happen on the field, and they can make the right decision on the field. This is the powerful place for the player to be in as their level of performance is very high while performing in “the zone.”

The goal of Performance Parenting is to help parents have the appropriate skills to also move into that zone for the whole game so that their behavior on the field sidelines matches the values they profess about youth sports. Not only will they exhibit appropriate behavior but also they will provide a positive environment that will not distract their child or his/her teammates. The positive environment will provide the probability of performance at a higher level because of the positive energy created on the parent sideline.

The Intensity Web

In order for performance skills to be best utilized, the parent should understand the unique pressures they have as parents on the sidelines. Parents face the problem of getting caught in the intensity web.

As the game progresses, calls are made by the official and their team misses different plays, the parent begins to get more tense. When the other team appears to be more physical than the parent’s team, parents begin to feel the anxiety rising in their chest. When the player feels this type of anxiety it can often be contained by the contact and focus the game brings to the player. However, the parent does not have this outlet for tension, so it continues to escalate through yelling and potentially threatening behavior toward other people, particularly the referee.

Since the parent has invested so much energy, time and money into their child’s athletic event, they are significantly invested in the outcome of the game. All of these factors are part of spinning the intensity web which can lead to tunnel vision and disastrous results for the parent.

Tunnel Vision

Tunnel vision is the state where the parent loses his or her ability to see the whole picture of the youth sports contest they are watching. Instead of thinking about different alternatives for handling a situation based upon experience and good judgment, the parent starts to think there are only a few ways to respond to the intensity of the moment. Tunnel vision often causes parents to take a difficult situation personally and believe they have to respond forcefully to defend their own honor or the honor of their team or family.

Tunnel vision is dangerous because it limits a person’s range of options and makes the parent blind to the rest. Often times, under extreme pressure, a parent will respond with verbally abusive behavior or violence. The person loses the ability to think clearly and often will take action that he or she would not normally dream of doing.

Performance Skills

While it is not possible to fully teach these skills in one session, it is possible to introduce the skills to the parents so that they can work on them and begin to utilize them at youth sports games. While their child athlete is learning these same kinds of skills to control performance anxiety, both parent and child can encourage each other as they work to master these mental performance skills.

The focus of the performance skills taught are to help parents stay relaxed and focused so their behavior matches their values and beliefs about youth sports. These performance skills include:

1. Breathing for relaxation
2. Progressive muscle relaxation
3. Visualization for relaxation
   
4. Soft voice for behavioral intervention

The other parts of the model are designed to complement the performance skills so that the positive contagion is a powerful force on the sidelines.

Basic communication skills are taught in an interactive way by staff of the El Paso Child Crisis Center. One unfortunate sidelight of youth sports in El Paso was the documented cases of child abuse on the sidelines during sports events. In order to counter this dangerous activity, the Crisis Center helps parents experience a healthier style of communication with all of their children whether on the field or not. This component of training has been responsible for enhancing the entire family as they learn more positive communication skills.

Rules

Disagreements about rules cause significant problems in youth sports. Most parents do not know the specific rules of the youth sport as their frame of reference is watching professional sports on TV. They often have the mistaken belief that the rules of the game are the same for professionals and youth sports. Yet, there are many rule differences for youth sports, which most parents don’t know, and they often create disturbances based upon their own distortion of the rules of play. As the rules are examined all questions are welcomed so there will be fewer disagreements on the field.

Commitment to positive behavior

After parents have received this significant education and appropriate skills to use on the sidelines, they are asked to sign a commitment that they will be a positive force on the sidelines. Their signature verifies they understand the rules of the youth sport, they know how to communicate appropriately with coaches and referees, and they want to watch the competition from the vantage point of the Parent Performance Platform. This signature builds in a level of commitment for the whole program of youth sports and the positive place that parents can have as they develop opportunities for their children.

Positive Contagion

Parents have the most power of all entities to create a positive sideline environment for their children. When parents develop a common belief about their power as parents they will work hard to help other parents stay within the reasonable guidelines of appropriate behavior. Parents are motivated by the fact they will feel better about themselves as parents and their children will perform better on the field. It is a win-win situation:

1. The parent has the skills to stay in “the zone” (Parent Performance Platform)
2. The player benefits from a positive sideline environment
3. The coach is not distracted by rowdy or out of control parents
4. The referee can concentrate on calling a good game and
5. The opponents feel like they have had a great game because the competition was at the highest possible level without outside distractions.

Choice

Each soccer entity will have to make the decision concerning how to handle the parent problem. To do nothing is to invite more problems on the field as parents are unskilled in their role of sideline participant. If the soccer league chooses to institute a punitive based intervention they will find themselves playing policeman more and more. However, if the soccer league chooses to invest the time to train parents in performance skills and create a common belief in their role of the parent, then their children will benefit from a healthier sideline.

Dr. Keith Wilson is a psychotherapist and performance consultant in El Paso, Texas. He can be reached at 915-562-5050 or Wilson@thewinningmind.com